3. Welcome To TV Land

It all starts like any other day, at the Gladiator hideout. Jade, aka Waveman, is in the living room, channel surfing.

JADE: Lessee… channel 97?

TV: Welcome to the Reality Channel! All reality shows, all the time!

JADE: Oh hell no!! Next!

TV: Welcome to the 4-Kids Channel! Crappy dubs, 24/7!

JADE: There is no benevolent god that would allow this. Let try channel… 239.

TV: FoxNews - Fair and Biased…

JADE: No… (changes it again)

Five minutes later…

JADE: Oi. Why did we even get this satellite connection in the first place? Even the Weather Channel’s sounding pretty exciting right about now. Okay, Channel 666…

TV: Welcome to Satan’s Pay-Per View of HELL!! The cost for viewing is… YOUR SOUL!!!

JADE: What… is… this? Must be one of those where they play nothing but commercials. Or Shakira’s music videos.

Suddenly the TV gives off a bright light, engulfing Jade.

JADE: Yeow! What kind of special effects are these guys using?!

The light slowly dims. Jade looks around, and sees that he’s no longer in the hideout. He’s on the couch in the living room of a brightly-colored suburban house.

JADE: What in sam hill is this place? Is Blade playing with the teleporter again? Urrgh… his ass is so dead when I get back.

Suddenly, a baby with a large lemon-shaped head walks in the room.

STEWIE GRIFFON: What the deuce? Who the devil are you?

JADE: Whoa… is that Stewie?

STEWIE: Yes, and how the bloody hell do you know who I am? Do you work for the Agency? Did… The Man send you?

JADE: Uh… What ‘Man’?

STEWIE: Too late to play dumb! (He pulls a huge bazooka out of his diaper) See you in hell!!

Stewie pulls the trigger and blasts Jade through the wall and clear down the street.

LOIS GRIFFON: Stewie… Are you playing rough with your toys again?

STEWIE: (Points the gun at her) Suck it down, woman! (Pulls the trigger… *click* - out of ammo) Blast!!

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Meanwhile, at the Gladiator’s hideout, Metalboy comes over to the TV.

METALBOY: Hm, wonder if anything good’s on? (He flips the channel…)

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Jade staggers to his feet.

JADE: Now what?

He looks around and sees a twisting metallic corridor. Suddenly an automated door opens up and three familiar figures.

KIRK: Halt, intruder! Bones, what do you make of this odd creature?

MCCOY: Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a zoologist!

SPOCK: Dr. McCoy, that was most illogical. This is obviously a cybernetic being of some kind.

MCCOY: Yeah? Well I suggest you shut your pie-hole, you gay little Legolas fanboy!

JADE: Uh… Guys?

SPOCK: It is not very logical to question my manhood when you insist on parading around in pink lingerie every Tuesday.

MCCOY: You super-glued that thing to me last month and you know it!

KIRK: Do I have to separate you children again?! Oh, and Bones… That was me who did that…

JADE: Aha!!! I knew you two were gay!!

MCCOY: You stay the hell out of this!! (to Kirk) You damn bastard!! You think you’re clever? I spread the rumor about you molesting Chekhov in the men’s room!

KIRK: You... Klingon… Bastard… You… Wait a second… McCoy you little…

SPOCK: Settle down, both of you. There is no logic in such a childish argument.

JADE: Okay, I’d love to see how this plays out, but…

Jade blasts all three of them with his Water Shooter, sending them hurtling back through the door they came out of.

JADE: So, first I was in Family Guy, now I’m in Star Trek. That weird channel must’ve taken me inside the TV somehow. Cool! If I’m in Star Trek, that means…

Jade hurries over to the elevator and takes it up to the bridge. Then he beats up the crew members.

JADE: Now hear this! I, Waveman am now the captain of the SS Enterprise. (Plops in the captain’s chair) Now take us out and… fly around… and stuff.

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Back at the hideout…

BRICK: Hey Oilman, anything good on?

METALBOY: Nope. Star Trek just ended.

BRICK: Well then hand the remote here.

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As Jade relaxes in the captain’s chair, the scene suddenly changes again. He’s now sitting on a stage with the audience clapping and cheering.

JADE: Awww… Did someone change the channel again?

Looking around, Jade’s eye widen in horror as he sees the host of the show.

JERRY SPRINGER: Who the heck are you, and how’d you get on my show?

JADE: Uh… I wish I knew.

SPRINGER: Huh… (To himself) I thought today was ‘I married my donkey who turned out to be my mom’s fat Irish roommate who is really George Lucas in drag’. Oh well, I guess I have to improvise. (To Jade) So then, what’s your name and where do you come from?

JADE: Well, I am Waveman, of the fantastic robot master team, the Gila Gladiators.

SPRINGER: Is that so? Well, Mr. Waveman, let’s welcome our surprise guest to the show!

JADE: Huh?

And out from backstage walks…

MAKENSHI: Hey there… “Waveman”.

(Makenshi is Waveman on the MM5 team, Ascendant Androids)

JADE: Oh crap…

MAKENSHI: Yeah! Didn’t expect to see me, huh asshole?! Everyone knows I am the one true Waveman!

JADE: Oh, c’mon! I was created first! That means you’re the phony!

MAKENSHI: But you weren’t made by Capcom so you don’t count! So there!

JADE: Alright, let’s just have it out right here and we’ll see who’s the real Waveman!!

A fight breaks out on stage, and the crowd cheers with mad glee.

AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

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BRICK: What the heck am I doing? Springer sucks! I must really be getting desperate. I’m going out to see if there’s anything I can blow up.

Brick leaves and Soul comes in with Jeremy. Jeremy opens the PS2 and puts a disk in.

JEREMY: I warn you; I am gonna serve your ass up on a platter in this game.

SOUL: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that!

***************************************************************

The Springer set fades away and Jade finds himself in another realm.

JADE: Thank goodness I’m away from there. Did someone turn on a video game now? (looks around and recognizes the layout) Hey ain’t this Dead or Alive 2? (yells out in vain to whoever’s got the controller) Hey! Pick Lei Fang! Kasumi or Ayane will be fine too!

No such luck…

HAYABUSA: Dishonorable cur! Prepare to die.

JADE: Look Ninja-boy, I’m looking to either see some action with one of the girls here or move on. Please don’t make me have to rip you a new one.

HAYABUSA: We’ll see how tough you talk when you’re disemboweled, arrogant wretch!

Ryu swipes at Jade with his katana, which Jade leaps back to avoid, countering with a salvo of Water Shooter shots. Hayabusa does a ninja vanishing trick and reappears behind Jade, swiping him in the back with the katana. It does little more than scratch his metallic armor, however.

JADE: Hey, unless you’re Roronora Zoro, you aren’t gonna hurt me much with that little thing. If you’re going to kill me with a sword, it had better be the Sword of Light!

HAYABUSA: Eh?

JADE: Sorry. I just like Slayers. But enough banter. Hydrogen Pit!

Jade puts his hand to the ground, creating a whirlpool in the ground, and sucking Ryu in.

JADE: Ah, now that he’s out of the way… (looks around some more) Ayane? Lei Fang? Where are you?

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SOUL: Crap! Where’d that come from?! You cheated!

JEREMY: Heh, I guess I’m just that good.

SOUL: Like hell!

Soul chases Jeremy out the living room and the hideout. Now Darcemeus comes in.

DARCEMEUS: Do we have any good movies to play? (Looks through the stack of DVDs) Oooooooo… Navy Seals! Nah… Ah, this looks pretty good.

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Jade now finds himself in a dark catacomb. It seems like an Egyptian ruin.

JADE: This is starting to get old. How much longer do I have to stick around here?

Wandering down the corridor, Jade runs into someone who promptly turns around.

JADE: Sorry about that, it’s kinda dark in here… Whoa!!

IMHOTEP: (says something in Egyptian)

JADE: Uh… how’s that go? Uh, Klaatu birata nikto! Um… I guess not…

Suddenly, a huge army of black beetles rises up behind the mummy and chase after Jade.

JADE: Crap! (Turns and runs back down the corridor) What I would’ve give if I had Bugsprayman with me right now! Or at least Flyswatterman. Wait… Lemme try something.

Jade turns around and puts his hands into the air, creating a massive fireball.

JADE: Pharaoh Shot!

The fireball blasts the bugs, incinerating many of them.

JADE: Hmm… I wonder why I had the urge to do that… (more bugs are coming) Dangit! (keeps running)

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GAMEMASTER: Hey, Volt. Oh sweet, The Mummy’s on.

DARCEMEUS: Yeah, this is one of the best.

Suddenly, Soul chases Jeremy back into the living room. Soul shoots a Bit Cannon shot, missing Jeremy, but frying the DVD player.

DARCEMEUS: Dammit! Come back here you bastards!!

Darcemeus tears after Soul and Jeremy. Zaneroth, Tristan and Metalboy walk in.

LORD ZANEROTH: Geez, it seems pretty eventful around here.

GAMEMASTER: You’re telling me.

Outside, Brick is out strolling around the grounds, when Soul, Jeremy, and Darcemeus are running his way. Jeremy drops a Nuclear Detonator behind him, which explodes, throwing off Darcemeus’s aim in the electrical shock he was about to fire. He misses and hits Brick instead.

BRICK: Oh, so you guys are looking for a fight huh? Well bring it on!!

He runs after the trio, and they end up back in the living room. Brick shoots a Sonic Wave at them, but hits Zaneroth. Enraged, Zaneroth fires his Torch Arm at the group, instead blasting the TV. Sparks fly from the TV and it lets off a bright flash. Out of the flash runs Jade, followed by the beetles.

TRISTIN: Holy crap!!!

LORD ZANEROTH: Jade, what… ARE you doing?

JADE: No time! Big bugs in case you didn’t notice!

*After a combined assault by the Gladiators, the scarabs are wiped out.*

GAMEMASTER: Whew. Now what was that about, Jade?

SOUL: And where were you all this time?

*After a lengthy explanation, and repairing the TV…*

METALBOY: Crud. That’s some channel alright.

JADE: I say we block that channel now.

SOUL: Let’s talk about it later. It’s getting late.

BRICK: Yeah… g’night all.

*Later that night… Two of the Gladiators come into the living room.*

LORD ZANEROTH: I dunno about this, man…

SOUL: Are you kidding? This is gonna be awesome! Now, you got the Charlie's Angels DVD loaded, right?

LORD ZANEROTH: Yeah…

SOUL: Sweet. Now when I go in the TV, all you got to do is hit play, okay?

LORD ZANEROTH: Yep…

SOUL: Alright! Lucy, Cameron, and Drew, here I come!!

Soul punches channel 666, and Zaneroth hits 'Play'. After Soul is in the TV, Jade enters the room snickering.

JADE: He didn't notice the switch, huh?

LORD ZANEROTH: Nope. He didn't know the Charlie's Angels disk got switched with Brokeback Mountain.

JADE: Well, I warned him. Maybe his opinion will change by the time he comes out, eh?

LORD ZANEROTH: You're a bastard, Jade.

JADE: I know.